Atheists and Catholics Unite in Denunciation of Gutless Movie

Imagine the frustrated Solomon had ended the dispute by personally hefting up a battle axe, hacking the baby in two, and then yelling: "There, now nobody gets it! Happy now, you whiny old harpies?"

Such is the strategy being pursued by Golden Compass director Chris Weitz, who, to the outrage of Pullman enthusiasts, has removed all references to the Catholic Church (one of the series's main antagonists), while at the same time, to the outrage of Catholics, still made the movie. Weitz, gingerly walking the tight rope between critical outrage and Christian boycott, seems determined to produce a movie that will end up drawing no one save those perverts only interested in seeing Nicole Kidman and Eva Green in tight clothing. So though I'll be going, I'm still pissed.

I criticize, like my parents say they do, out of love. Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials is a trilogy consisting of two fantastic books (plus a third!) weaving a fine product that manages to touch on Everett's Many Worlds interpretation, dark matter, Christian scripture, the nature of mortality, all while erecting a compelling plot, with distinctive, complex, and believable characters. To take such a work, gut the core theme, and then slap some glittery CGI over the gaping wounds, is the worst sort of crowd-pandering, artistic cowardice.

But viler still are the lame attempts at playing innocent. Says Weitz: "I don't really believe that when it comes down to it, 'His Dark Materials' is an aggressively anti-religious or anti-Catholic series of books."

This either indicates Weitz accidentally read the Chronicles of Narnia instead of Pullman's books, or he's simply lying. To pass off a work of fiction in which the archenemy is none other than Yahweh himself, supported by a fanatical Church whose every impulse is to, in Pullman's words, "suppress and control every natural impulse," is sinful. One needn't agree with a message to recognize the author's clear attempt to communicate it.

All this might have ended up as tolerable--after all, Eva Green is really, really hot--but it appears that not only do references to religion have to go, but anything the least bit likely to disturb the apparently porcelain audience.

As well as removing references to the church, the Bible and sin, the film leaves out the final three chapters in which our assumptions about two of the main characters are challenged and tragedy befalls one of Lyra's friends.

Weitz said his decision to end the movie earlier in the narrative had been influenced by the need for a more box office-friendly happy ending to establish the foundation for what he hopes will be a film trilogy.

Part of the Compass's charm, part of its merit, however, was its refusal to condescend to the juvenile audience to whom it seems directed. In real life, people die, have illegitimate children, and sometimes do very awful things: our instinct is to pretend otherwise and tie it up with a bow. Pullman resists the urge. That is brave, that is admirable, and while its dearth may and does produce crowd-pleasing schlock, the result'll be one of the many blockbusters no one will remember a year later, and nor should they.

In Weitz's defense, however, I should point out he may have been led in this compromise of artistic integrity by none other than Pullman himself, who fumbled the finale of the cycle by getting distracted by his own hatred of Christianity, resulting in an utterly contrived conclusion, disintegration of his fantasy world's credibility, and the bizarre and unexplained about-face of two of his to that point most malignant characters.

The Catholic League, on the other hand, fears that children seeing the movies based on Pullman's books will lead to children reading the pages that make up Pullman's books, which are, among other things, A Children's Guide to the Fun-Filled World of Atheism. That fear I think is obviously justified--though I see little reason to respect the wishes of people who think so little of their own children's intelligence that they feel compelled to shield them from opposing ideas.

Also parents, nota bene: children love to rebel. For example, at age 3 I was sentenced to 15 years of going to Sunday school, read Prince Caspian all the way through The Finale Battle, sung in the choir, was baptised, confirmed, and circumsized (all on the same day!). But at age 20, at no one's prompting, I decided there was no God and haven't been to church since.

EDIT: Constant sanely points out I haven't even seen the movie.  I admit I was thrown into a rage upon finding out the information, and, as a result, my review is a bit... hyperbolic.  Plus I saw a trailer again last night and got chills.  Nonetheless, I stand by these observations: 1. Gutless director; 2. Crappy third book; 3. Hot Nicole Kidman.