HOT SPRINGS, HELL – Satan, the indisputable leader of the underworld kingdom, announced that a ranch-style condo was being prepared for the arrival of Yassir Arafat. He also announced that a new colonial-style residence is also being built in preparation for Cuban leader Fidel Castro, who is getting up in age.

"We're all pretty excited," said Satan. "Given their works on Earth, we've prepared beautiful homes for them overlooking scenic thousand-degree molten lava pits. Their day-to-day activities are being planned, starting with the usual entry-level lashes and being inundated with angry vipers in a locked box. But their evenings at home will be enjoyable, as their televisions will be tuned to only two channels showing constant re-runs of Friends and MTV's Real World-Las Vegas.”

Josef Stalin is also looking forward to his new neighbor.

"Adolf (Hitler), Che (Guevara), and I were playing cards the other day reminiscing about violent crackdowns and bloodshed, and we were all commenting how it'd be nice to get a fourth player in our group," said the former Soviet dictator.

Another close associate of Arafat, who killed himself in a suicide bombing two years ago and wished to remain anonymous, said the Palestinian leader will likely not join a card club. Instead, he said, Arafat is more likely to join a Hades soccer league featuring members of the 9-11 attack, including Mohammed Atta.

"We've been waiting for Yassir for a while now. He's going to be a real asset to our neighborhood here in Hell," said Timothy McVeigh from a fire pit. "In fact, we've also heard that Fidel Castro might be relocating here soon, as well. I can’t wait to smoke some of his fine cigars as I’m being hung from a wall upside-down by a demon gargoyle."

"I was looking forward to finally meeting Saddam and Osama, and sharing ideas about mass murder, but I'll just have to be patient," he added.

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